Wontgetfooledagain’s Weblog

In the past 6 months, I have been trying to feel positive, perfectly happy about my life and what is happening.  I traveled Asia and America and loved both.  It was wonderful to feel so, well, wonderful about the place that I lived in.   I have been talking to my therapist and hashing my own brain and ways out.  It has also been a great step in this process.  I have spoken to her about my mother, my father, and those who I have loved.

She blames everything on the way I was raised, and what I needed to do for myself as a child.  I feel majorly guilty about blaming and don’t want to make excuses.  But, I am beginning to understand that the way we are raised affects how we behave, which I have always said and known.  Empathy has always been natural to me and I always made excuses for people by the way they were raised.  We have to recognize these things so that we can know how to conquer.   I learned, shockingly, that I am quite indecisive, and more so than I ever thought before.  But, I realized that my indecisiveness is intruding in everything I am.  I can’t make decisions about loving politics and acting because I am afraid that if I choose 1 thing I will not be able to choose another later.   I can have both, some how, but I cannot stay in limbo… the place I most frequent.  The therapist is always telling me that making a decision does not necessarily mean that I cannot make another decision if I do not like what I am doing.

My dad’s death has affected me because I did not grieve the way I should have.  It was not and is not everything that caused me to make big decisions, but it was large.  My decision in May was because I was already on the track there, and when I got there, I was no longer able to discuss it, I just needed to take a huge step back.  The back was moving and changing many things, despite the belief of that one person, which hurts me.

My dad died nearly a year ago, but I am not thinking about it.  It will hurt, I hope I let myself hurt.

At first I was feeling terrible, then optimistic, then terrible again, but now, I am crazy crazy happy.

Now, I am feeling wonderful.  Someone in my life is making me forget that I was sad at all.  My iron curtain is down ( I hope some of you get that), and we all know how much I love communism… 1…2….3… ok, were all communists. . I’m starting to be interested in a new country, which feels perfect at this moment, I need a place to want to travel to.  I miss my friends from South Africa more and more every day and realize that my life would be incredible if they were around.  I miss Gary because he doesn’t have the internet. This is giving me incentive to make tons of money and have rooms in my house waiting for them.

And now that I have learned that being in the middle means you are no where, I have been able to think about my friends and letting go and letting in.  I have friends who live in NJ and picked a really great roommate too.  I am proud of myself, but am sad that 1 part of my life is over.  I think I have grieved it, and am not done grieving it, but I feel better that I am ok to get upset and that I can control my emotions…. being unhappy for a moment doesn’t mean and that I can make a decision.

I am sick too, I think I have alergies, FUUUUUCCCCKKKKK……………………..