Wontgetfooledagain’s Weblog

MY poem about Elephants

pounding pounding

they stomp stomp stomp

but their silence is in the great

land, trees, greens, browns

a rainbow of earthy colors

the clothes I wear

the elephants are toying

with the inner workings

of me and mine and elephants

have strong resounding sounds

pound pound pound,

up top its heavy

though the weight of an elephant is in the body

I am no elephant I can forget and do

but these elephants dance in my head

with pink and plaid  and tutu’s around their waist

and curly hair like Maya.

who the fuck know’s what this means…. but it felt pretty awesome writing it. 

I am in Canada and I spoke to someone about Social Health Care ( all capital words because they are that important)  it exists and that makes me SUPER happy.  It can work.  I am with Hylton’s family.

Sometimes I feel great.  Othertimes, I am distracted, and more than not I am confused about why I am confused.  I will write more.

Today was better than yesterday.  I am not the best I have ever been, but I am ok, and I know I will be ok no matter what.

I was in the car with Kai getting gas, and I turn on Sufjan Stevens my new favorite, and  say to Kai  “you ready to rock out” and he doesn’t say much of anything.  I turn up an awesome song called Chicago, and I turn around and he’s fist pumping.  If you don’t know of Kai he is 3 and a moody little kid who I love lots and babysit for.  He was in a terrible mood, until the fist pump.  His dad must have taught it to him because his dad is a musician.  He likes the song, which makes me happy cause he always tells me to turn off my music.  I can share this with him now. 

Kai says “what are they saying?”  I tell him it’s “all things go, all things go,” and he asks me to restart the song so he can sing along.  I do and sing the words loudly.   I point to him when the phrase “all things go comes on”. 

We go to gymnastics like we always do on Thursday’s and color and wait for his sister Maya.  All the kids flock to me because I can draw easy things they think are hard.  They ask for funny things like drawings of teddy bears, cars, dogs, and buildings.    I can even draw a shitty Mickey Mouse.  The parents all thank me, but it’s not like I’m working, I love hanging out with 5 year olds.  I know their names, they eat pretzels which Kai takes and aren’t his.  It makes me super happy and optimistic that I will be ok.

I drew this there and it felt good. 

New York and Sandwiches just a little something I wrote a week ago.

In the midst of the modern world, lived a little girl; a little girl in New York, which was not modern to her at all. There were buildings, and people, and statues, that all told her this place was from another time, one that she couldn’t remember, one that was, no doubt, older than she was.  She’d been looking for an adventure for quite sometime now, to help her discover what it was she needed, or maybe just wanted.
           

This particular little girl was unique, because she knew life was beyond her, unlike most children, who tend to think the world is no more than their own age, no more than themselves. She had freckles on her face and on her shoulders, each one full of wisdom and existence,  which she often tried to count, but time and time again ended with her tiring due to the lengthy process it took for her to decipher  how many there actually were.

            Today would be the first day that the little girl was responsible for getting the mail, a great obligation in the life of a very small person, and surely not a coincidence for this adventure. Her parents told her it would give her character, and they would also pay her for it, a small amount each week, for her to save, until she really needed it. And, so, without fail, the little girl walked down the hall to her apartment building elevator, to get the letters, notices, junk, magazines, and mail, for her parents.  But today, as most likely predicted, otherwise this story would be of no matter, a notice came in for a young Abigail Trudo, one for the New York Art Museum.  It seemed to invite her to a celebration of love and art that might inspire.  What Abigail did not know was that the letter was not meant for her, but instead meant for her mother, just like the credit card that was sent to her earlier this month.  You see Abigail’s name and her mother’s name were not that different, her mother’s being Adelaide.  Somehow Abigail’s name had been put onto a mass mailing system list.  Abigail never received any mail up to this point, and never knew that mail was being sent to her, and often. However, it was intercepted by her mother, but this letter, she received.  This letter was a call from the great beyond to find out about why New York felt like her grandmother and what love was all about, or at least that’s what Abigail thought.

Like any city kid, Abigail knew how to get to the Art Museum, how to get around, and how to be sneaky. She also knew her parents would not be so inclined to the idea of her going unaccompanied, but she felt the museum in her body.  She knew that it was a journey she must brave alone.   A journey that would teach her about life and love. She was a very insightful little girl.  She wondered about New York and wanted to know about love there, and where it came from, and why those loved each other.  She never had a brother, or a sister, in fact, as a result, that type of love, she was unsure of.

No one could stop Abigail at this point, she was determined to find a way to explore on her own, like Louis without Clark, or any other exploratory team, no one really wants to share discovery, they are just afraid to go unaided, but Abigail was brave.  After an undetermined amount of time, staring at the invitation to the museum, she decided that after school, she would call her parents on her cell phone, and tell them about a play date she’d be having.  From there, she’d get to the museum with her bus pass. The plan was particularly accessible, believable, and trouble-free; the perfect sort of plan.

School began the next day, and Abigail felt a warmness inside her, crawling to her feet, itching to let loose.  Adventure would begin now, today, and as soon as the bell rang, she’d jump to her feet, and run into the abyss of understanding.

Braving the trip on the bus, Abigail sat with her backpack in her lap.   She saw a man on the back of the bus, who was wrinkled and wise. He could teach her about perspectives and existence.  She leapt out of her seat, thinking he wanted to share his thoughts with her, after all her grandmother always did.  Swallowing her fear and trading it for strength, she marched her tiny feet to the back of the bus. 

“Excuse me sir, can I sit here?” she said with an air of confidence. He did not respond. Abigail sat down. She continued with her questioning. 

“Sir, do you think I could ask you a question?” she said.  He didn’t respond again, but Abigail was diligent in her efforts. 

“I’m on my way to the art museum you see, and I am going there to try to understand what it is like to have love, because I don’t have any siblings, and because I think it will help me learn about love.  My parents say that 1 child is enough, and isn’t keeping the marriage together like they had planned in the first place, so, another child would be of no purpose. I don’t really get that, because I really want a brother, even a sister would be ok, and I wouldn’t mind sharing too much with her.  So, I guess I wanted to ask you,” Abigail stopped mid sentence, and watched the man walk away. She thought to herself that maybe he didn’t understand her, and that not everyone can know the answers to these very important questions.  Abigail was withdrawn, but not despondent just yet; she picked herself up, and continued on her way.  

            The museum was only blocks away, and according to this invitation she’d find out all about what love was, even if that mean old man on the bus didn’t want to tell her.  Abigail’s grin preceded her, gallantly galloping to her destination. She saw a woman sitting on the side of the street, silently holding a cup out.  Her parents never let her speak to those people, they were dirty, she was told, and sad, and the reason they were there was because they hadn’t worked hard enough.           She walked past her towards her goal, and paused, retraced her steps, and moved backwards to where the woman was.

            “Excuse me Ma’am,” Abigail always started her sentences to those she did not know with excuse me, “I wanted to know if I could ask you a question.”  The woman looked up, directly into the little girls eyes, and waited.

            “Well, my parents always tell me not to talk to you, to strangers I mean, but I think you could know the answer that I am looking for,” Abigail said and waited for any response.  The woman did not give one.   “You see, I am going to the museum today, to find out about love and I think you have been here for a long time, longer than me, do you know what that is, or maybe what I can do to get it?”

            Without hesitation the woman said “there is no love here, not anymore.” Before Abigail could ask anything else, because she did have so many questions in her head, the woman continued “do you have anything I could eat?”  And, of course she did, Abigail was the type to plan ahead, she made herself 2 lunches today, one she had already eaten and the other was in her backpack.  She gave it to the lady.

            “That’s it?” the lady moaned.

            “Yes, that’s it,” said Abigail before moving on.

            The day was progressing to late afternoon and the museum was right ahead, literally.  This little girl would not let anything get in the way of her determination for discovery.  The building became ever so close, with the conquering of the marble steps; one after the other, each leg of Abigail’s lifted as high as it could to climb. Enduring all she could to get there, the little girl was in the museum. Success, exclamation point, end of thought, Abigail was Leif Ericson, Abigail was Sacagawea, Abigail was Napoleon, short and victorious in her goals. 

            “Excuse me Ma’am,” she said to the lady at the desk, she barely reached the counter, “I have this letter, to me.”  She reached as high as she could and put it on top, where the lady could see it, and awaited her entry into the greatness.

            “Sweetie,” the lady said with a somewhat condescending tone, clearly she didn’t know who she was talking to, “this exhibit is closed for the day, and you can’t come in without an adult anyway.” Abigail had not even considered either of these as options to her grand plan.

            “But,” she said, “I came here to find out about New York and love.” But, there was no answer, just like those people before.  Abigail didn’t feel like an adult anymore, her eyes swelled up with tears, and she gulped in restraint.  The sadness of the whole day overcame her.

            “Come back tomorrow,” the lady said definitively, and that was that.

She dragged her feet to the door with a depressing feeling of defeat. The day was a marvelous and magnificent, full of wonder, and happiness, though Abigail did not share those same meaningful feelings.  Abigail climbed down the stairs to the museum, realizing that there was no real love.  There was no love at all in her city. She knew from the books, and from the people she had met, that once, long ago there was, that people had brothers who weren’t real brothers, but it had been devastated by horrible things, those things she didn’t know, because after all she was a little girl. Still, she knew that life was different before.  People had been terribly rude to her, brash, bothered, and mean.  She just couldn’t understand why her journey had led her here.  Giving up on her day, she sat down with her sadness, on the large stairs of the art museum.  Her backpack came off each shoulder, relieving the weight, of what seemed to be the world, and she put it down beside her.   She remembered that she had had no food, no snack, not even a juice box to console her, so she sighed, and sat feeling ever so small. 

It was awfully gloomy for Abigail to feel as if she no longer mattered to the big world.  Abigail sighed again, but this time, she put her head into her hands and gave up.  She’d tried so hard all day to find the slightest bit of satisfaction in New York.  There was none.  She decided, finally, that it was about time to conclude this misadventure.  Her mission was a failure and there was no answer to love.

As she got up, an unsuspecting Abigail, we always are unsuspecting when we’ve been let down, looked up, and saw a boy, sitting on the great big steps too, but with his parents. She wanted to be that boy, with his parents, with his snacks and his love.  Never the less, Abigail was a girl, and she’d lied to her parents, given away her food, and found herself here, too despondent to even exhale. She was ready to go home. Her journey was over. She got up to leave, because there was nothing more to do, but it seemed that the boy was headed towards her, and she did not know why. He came over and smiled. They were about the same age, and he could tell from her head in her hands that she needed something to make her a little bit happier. And he handed her a sandwich and walked away. 

gives me hope

After the wedding, I stayed at Angela’s house.  It was wonderful.  Leaving Orlando in 2006 , I never wanted to go back, but it seems that I always get sucked in, but only to 1 place, my favorite place and my favorite college roommate ( of course Shea is part of that too).  

The entire week I wanted to go there, and although the wedding was a ton of fun, I cant get enough of that house.  I went there, we debated about a few things, politics ( even though she swears she doesn’t want to get into it)

I ate a lot, as usual for no particular reason.  Angela and I played games, then Candice came over and slept over, we went to Moe’s……….. WELCOME TO MOE’S

Ate even more, had more discussion, played Guitar Hero. 

Fell asleep EARLY because I was so tired from the wedding.

I wanted to write this early but I have been a bit busy and distracted and crazy.

All I do want to say is that I love being at Angela’s house and I also love Angela.

So, we last left off at the beginning of the wedding.

•  shockingly the first thing that everyone did was take shots, tequila, no thanks… I got a white Russian.
• Todd and friends saw I was drinking one, I am cool.  Todd asked me to marry him because of the white russian. I consider his offer because there is a rabbi there, but remember that I am in love with Hylton and I don’t really want to be married for about 10 years. … and I really do like white russians, they taste like candy and milk, which is delish and I don’t like any other types of drinks.
• There are some speeches.  Todd makes a cute speech about ross and him talking to Sarah on Aim, and then Andrew funny enough tells a story about Sarah talking to Ross on Aim, I think it was actually true, not the same convo, but very cute…..
• Friends are all drinking going back and forth taking tequila shots, not me though, I don’t  want to vomit, maybe I should be cooler….
• Food comes and people are walking back and forth, we are sitting at the front table, but it’s a little awkward because sometimes I am left alone.  I am still having fun and just trying to plan my moves….. can’t wait till the music starts
• The guys smoke some cigars… gross
• we do a couples dance, and Leanne mentioned before that we are supposed to dance with the people that we were paired up with earlier… that makes me nervous because what the hell do I say when I am dancing with a guy I barely know, I think of questions to ask him, but by the time we get up there and make a few ice breaking jokes, we are done, it’s awesome. 
• music turns on and it’s all 80′s classics, I am in my element.  I love the music but the promise that a lot of those guys made to dance is not actualized.  Leanne is dancing a lot and it makes me like her even more. Mitch and Todd actually dance, Mitch – the cutest kid ever, he is hilarious and a lotta drunk, is dancing.  He dances with me. Then we actually do a little swing dancing together, I ask him to throw me around,…. haha, he doesn’t get that i’m just joking.  I think that’s so funny, and just tell him I’m totally kidding.
• I’m dancing to every song, but not many other people are, Leanne is always dancing too, so at least I’m never alone.  There’s some Cuban music and we do the conga, and ….. then some crazy lady takes my hands and spins me around and dances with me… it seems, as this has happened before, that women at weddings like to dance with me….. haha I’m very attractive.
• I don’t get to eat candy from the candy bar because I am distracted and I regret it the next day… WHY DIDN’T I EAT CANDY!
• The wedding is fun and comes to an end.
• There’s lots of commotion about where people are going and I don’t care, but I don’t want to be out till the morning hours… so I try to go to wherever we aren’t going to be out till really late, anyone everyone is really drunk and driving is prob not a great idea.  I’m not drunk…. maybe I should loosen up and not care if people have rides…  but I guess I can’t do that…
• We go to Gainesville Alehouse… again
• We are having fun, but there’s this weird guy, NOT a part of the wedding party, wont mention his name, but he is really weird and keeps putting his arms around me and it makes me really uncomfortable…. not and of Ross’s friends.  I try not to talk to him because he is stupid and actually ignorant about most things, I’m just assuming but it seems true.
• I try to talk to some other people, but they are all flirting with each other….. Todd and Erica are flirting, I’m a little jealous that I can’t and my boyfriend is not around….  The day before Todd made a comment about how strange this girl looked because she was wearing a fancy dress to the alehouse, but there I was wearing my bridesmaid dress and all of us were in ties and dresses, so I looked like an ass… but that girl was alone so I am cooler than her.
• Shlansky is really throwing up by the car… like A LOT and his friends are so cute… Sam, Joe, Todd, all go over to him and bring him water and make sure he’s not dead.  Boys are adorable when they take care of each other, esp when the other is puking from alcohol poisoning of some sort.
• I’m a little out of it and really tired, and kinda want to go home, but then I become rejuvenated because Mitch is competing with the asshole guy for a cute girl….. everyone roots( is this the right form of the word) for Mitch.
• We leave and go to the Jerks place for a minute because there are other types of intoxications there, and it was not worth it, I hated every second of it and wanted to leave.  We see the other FUN people outside by the pool and I kinda just say goodnite and I can’t handle any more in 1 nite, I barely stay up till 12 usually, 3 every day is too much! 
• I drive Leanne’s car home, very slowly… haha

BREAKFAST

• After convincing everyone that they need to be at breakfast after such a late nite at 9, Sarah and Ross call Leanne and say they are going to be 20 minutes late, so we are 20 minutes late.  We receive a slow clap and some comments when we come in.
• Max is sleeping on the table, some of them can’t eat… Mitch, because they are feeling sick, and hungover, others eat a ton because they puked it out the night before.  I had a delish cinnamon bagel.
• These guys are on form this morning, like they rehearsed the night before…. I am hysterical, like Shaina cackling wide mouth laughing…. they have to practice…..
• Erin smells like she is still drunk… she is…. hahaha typical maid of honor. 
• We talk about who we are going to take with us to Orlando because apparently none of them planned a way to get back to Orlando.  There are 5 and we can only take 3.  Erica is going to Tampa, and I think, because she sorta has a little crush on Todd she is convinced to take them to Orlando… To be honest, I’m a little disappointed because I like Todd and want him to come with us, and Mitch too, but Mitch is going back to North Carolina another way.  I like Joe and Shlansky too, they are cute and funny too.
• We take a picture of all of us…. I’ll upload it, you can guess who is who…. 
• We head out and some of the guys have left the hotel before we go and pick up the guys we are taking.
• Car ride is good, some awkward forced conversation, but we talk about movies, and I find out Joe moved from Russia when he was 5 and that’s pretty interesting.  I wish I could have been quicker and asked more questions.  His brother lives with Shlansky.  We talk about the JERK face guy because apparently he was not very nice to some of these guys that weekend.  We chat someone, and I share my drink with Joe, I like it when people share and don’t know each other that well, it’s like camp….
• Leanne takes me to Angela’s (gets her own blog) house and they get out of the car and we hug. 
• I hope it’s not the last time I see these guys again.

Best Wedding I have been to, and I thought I would have hated it.

So, last in the saga of everyone’s getting married, Shaina met some funny guys and girls, thought she would have hated them but didn’t ,  went out on Thursday, ate lunch and went to dinner friday, then went out after and had an amazing rediculously enjoying evening speaking to Leanne, Todd, Slansky and Mitch, mostly…..

•  Wake up early
• Buy Sarah and Ross some breakfast.  Leanne and I hang out until Andrew comes over, Andrew is someone I knew when I was a freshman, the most extreme case of ADD I’ve ever seen, but I he’s genuine and a nice guy.
• Hang out until fridge gets picked up and watch the endings of the wedding cake being made – I asked a million questions and kept talking about Ace of Cakes, which makes me look extremely stupid.  I want to eat  a cake mmmm
• Go to place of wedding, it is beautiful.  Keep on running into the groomsmen, they are funny. 
• Sarah gets ready and can barely breathe in her dress, but it’s mostly because she’s nervous.  Her dress is beautiful. 
• My hair looks really pretty, just some curls at the bottom, if you know me you know what I’m talking about.  I looked back at the picutres and hope there are some where my hair on top doesn’t look so flat.  I noticed it…. blah.
• We do our makeup and help Sarah get ready.  She kinda looks like she might throw up.  They put on Tool to help her relax…. I don’t know Tool at all so later I change it to Weezer ( and Sarah sang)
• Put on dresses
• Finish getting ready, I like looking so pretty, we are all complimenting eachother and it is a very positive atmosphere.
• Ross and Sarah see each other, and we are standing there all of us, it’s wierd, but then the photographer gets it and asks us to leave the room again. 
• Outside it is smokey and people are a little nervous, no one wants to fuck up the wedding. 
• They get married and we are all giggling .  The rabbi’s service wasn’t so bad, it was spiritual and not too religious.  They read their own vows too which was really nice.  Sarah’s were good, but I could see Ross when he was saying his and it was emotional.  He kept genuinely saying he loved her.  All the girls were crying, and maybe some of the guys, but I couldn’t see them.  After the wedding, Joe – guy who looked at my boobies not naked, said I didn’t stop smiling and he thought I was laughing, but I was so happy for them.  Lame…
• We walk back, and we were supposed to do a hand shake but Todd and Leanne didn’t do it and Shlansky was a little nervous so I didn’t try to get him to do it either.  Anyway, people were leaving before we left, which I thought was really wierd.

PART III coming soon, the wedding reception and sunday.